A Real Sacrifice Recieved

           I once said I wanted to write something beautiful. I did. Then I gave it away.  It was hard for me to give him my words.  It wasn’t hard to give them away when they didn’t mean anything. This time, when my real emotions were invested in them, when I knew my words might have negative consequences, when what I wrote was so pure and true, I wanted to selfishly keep those words to myself.

            My words are a part of who I am. Every time I write something I place a piece of myself down on that paper.  I gave other parts of myself to him. He left with a large part of my innocence and a little piece of my heart.  Yet my soul doesn’t seem to mourn for those the same way it grieves for my lost words. 

            Writing has always been my escape. When life gets too real for me, I can hide myself in my words. Writing is my release. When my emotions get to be overwhelming I can verbalize them in a positive and safe way by setting them down on paper.  When life is on paper it isn’t as scary. When my feelings are on paper they don’t have to be hidden away inside of me anymore.

            Trust is not something that comes easily to me. It used to, but I was disappointed and betrayed too many times. It is probably the reason I don’t make friends very well. I have to know a person is completely trustworthy.  That’s why I have such a hard time giving my words away. I don’t trust him, yet I gave him one of the purest and most treasured parts of me. 

            This must be what sacrifice really means. God doesn’t ask us to do what is easy. He doesn’t ask us to give up things that aren’t important to us.  He set the example by giving away his only son, for us. Now he’s asking me to give somebody my words, words that, realistically, came from God in the first place.

            This is my new challenge and prayer. God show me ways that I can give away my words. Show me how to do that. In doing so I may give them back to you, as a sacrificial offering of praise and thanksgiving for the forgiveness and sacrifice you gave me.

           

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,

a broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise.”

~ Psalm 51:17

Torn

                  I know now what temptation means. It means so much more than the young, sheltered girl I used to be understood. That girl I used to be a mere nine days ago.  Temptation means feeling torn. Your heart and soul become torn.  The spiritual connection with God starts to tear.  You become, sorry, I become torn between something I know isn’t pure and right and something that feels exhilarating, and new, and, strangely, flattering. I don’t care if anyone says differently but girls like to be flattered.  And, Lord, have I been flattered in this last week and a bit.

            It started with a dance that quickly turned into five dances.  Three days later it was every danceable song but three.

            What made him ask me to dance?  What made him single me out of the crowd and gave him the bravery I know it takes a man to ask that?  I could have said no. I could have rejected him. But, God, I wanted to dance.

            It made me feel special and confident and secure.  Validation is an unhealthy addiction for us humans though. The sense of confidence and security were false. I’ll admit, I was tempted to allow myself to be impulsive and superficial for once, still am. 

            I don’t know this boy. He is a gentleman by far, and he seems open and sincere, but I don’t know him.  Because I don’t know him, I don’t know his motives.  Motives mean a lot to me.  As soon as I’m asked a question, I ask why?. Not because I think they’re being nosy, or I am defensive, but because I sincerely want to know the “why” behind their question.  So, why is this boy choosing to flatter me? Why is he choosing to be a gentleman to me?

            The way I was raised has a lot to do with my torn feelings right now.  I was raised to have a deep abiding faith and reverence for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I cannot live in faith and reverence if I have yoked myself with one who isn’t also living life in such a way. It says in the Bible, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.” (2 Corinthians 6:14)

            Is it enough that he believes in going to church? Or that he believes in God? Or that he believes he was saved as a child and he’s set now? Personally, I have to, with all honesty and boldness, say, “No.” It is not enough for me. I must be yoked with somebody who believes in the power of the crucifixion and sacrifice as much as I. Somebody who believes in the awe filling majesty of the resurrection and ascension. He needs to understand and believe in the reality and significance of the Book of God.  The Bible is not just a book it is the Word. Christ our Savior himself was the Word embodied. Most of all I need a man who believes in bettering himself. Faults, temptations, and mistakes can be forgiven, but ignorance can only be an excuse until you have passed up an opportunity to learn.

            I feel bold and empowered in the Spirit of God as I write this. I thank the Lord for his never ending care and support in my life. That he gives me these opportunities to strengthen my faith fills me with awe and gratitude. Bless the Lord oh my soul! O-o-oh my soul…

                                                                                                    Amen.