Excerpt from "Nomad" and thoughts on sexual sin...

Nomad’s heart longed for him, he fascinated her mind yet relaxed her. With him she felt nothing but the pleasure of simply being.  With anyone else she felt like she was never going to be good enough and she had to try to be perfect. There was no pressure from Taye, just gentle and silent reassurance.  Guilt suffocated Nomad till she was ready to cry.  Her gut wrenched at the thought of why she should not strive towards what she wanted, Taye.  She felt as though she didn’t deserve him. She had lost her innocence, she had lost her honor.  She had given them away to somebody who did not value them in any way.  All Demetrius had valued was the self-satisfaction they brought him.

        Nomad had given them to him before she understood their value, their value was equal to her value. She had not understood that she was worth better, she had not understood that she was worth being cherished. Only somebody who completely treasured her deserved that gift, but she had given it away without knowing what it meant. Because she had known that you should not give that kind of thing, but knowing and understanding are two different things. 

        She knew now what it meant though. What scared her to the most was that she would not have that connection with the right person. Giving your body to another was like building another room in your being. You open a new door and allow them to move in.  However, it is only when the connection is pure and from a place of love that the room is actually inhabited and looked after.  Instead of having a bright, comfortable refuge for herself though, Nomad had created a room that was left empty, dark and echoing with regret.  She had tried to close the door to that room, forget about what should have been, but the soul is a house without doors, designed for us to wander freely from room to room.  Nomad used to be comfortable with her soul, wandering through it, but as she had gotten older it started filling up with dark corners that she liked to avoid.  Now there was a whole room made up of darkness and she could not seem to avoid it, no matter how hard she tried.

I felt a lot of fear in me as I wrote this and decided to post it. I thought maybe I could post just the excerpt and it would be enough but I felt compelled to add some personal thoughts and scripture to go with it.  The fear comes from the devil, trying to keep me from using my life experiences to minister. I was talking to somebody tonight and thinking about how she seemed to be the semblance of an ideal young Christian woman, and that she would do amazing things for God. And then I thought, God has made me this way for a reason, and even though she will do amazing in ministry, I will be able to minister in ways that she can not.  That's not to say that I would ever wish any of my experiences on anyone because they are better left unexperienced.  

I am afraid, as I write this and think about posting it that people will stop loving me, or not want me in their ministries anymore because of my sins this year, but I have thought about that also.  When God looks down from Heaven, all sin looks the same to him, like pennies stalked on top of eachother, he only sees the top one.  So I have sinned, but I have repented and I am working towards holiness once again. God knows this, and I know this, what anybody else knows or thinks they know is irrelevant. I made a list of all the things I did in the last few months that I have regrets over and then I tucked it in my Bible beside a newly treasured piece of scripture, Luke 7: 44-47 

                    "⁴⁴ Then He turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave Me no water for My feet, but she has washed My feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head. ⁴⁵ You gave Me no kiss, but this woman has not ceased to kiss My feet since the time I came in. ⁴⁶ You did not anoint My head with oil, but this woman has anointed My feet with fragrant oil. ⁴⁷ Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little.”

As well, sexual sin, even though once committed feels like a prison, is not something that can not be overcome. God can overcome anything.  There is proof in the Bible everywhere we look that he worked through that kind of sin many times.  Tamar, beguiled Judah into giving her a son, Rahab was a prostitute but was saved by faith, Bathsheba cheated on her husband with the king, David (a man after God's own heart by the way). All of these women, ancestors of Jesus Christ, were slaves to sexual sin. Slaves released from their bondage, by God.  

I have sinned, I feel guilt, but God has seen me, and God has saved me. Praise his holy name. I will praise him that I sinned greatly if it only means I have loved him, and will love him, greatly.

p.s. A big "Thank you!" to a wonderful blogging woman in my life that inpsires me to challenge myself in the honesty I display with my writing. My Lord has made me to be who I am, who am I to try and hide what he has created?

Close Enough, to the Truth

            “Nomad do not walk away from this. Why will you not stay so we can talk this through?”

            “Because, Demetrius, there is nothing left to talk about. I told you already I want to move on, I want something more. The path you are leading me down is not the path I want to be on.” Not only that, thought Nomad, but it wasn’t the path that the Guiding Power wanted for her. If she didn’t get back on the right path that had been originally chosen for her soon it would be too late, the paths would be too far apart and she would not have the time it would take to get back to the original path left in her life.  Demetrius wouldn’t understand that though, he was a narrow thinker, he felt what he wanted and let that shape his thoughts. He thought he was doing what was best for both of them, but Nomad new better, she could see a different, more insightful, perspective. 

            “Please, just give me a chance to show you how much I really care about you. Let me show you how nice I can be.”

            “No, Demetrius. You had your chance, it should not be that difficult to show how much you care. If you really cared for me it would be instant, and easy, and genuine.”

            “You know what I think Nomad? I think you are just scared. You do not have the ability to trust. You say I do not care, you say nobody cares, but you will not let anyone get close enough to show you how much they care.”

            Nomad felt like taking a step back to absorb the impact of his words. They came as a slap across the face, a blow to the heart. A concept that awakened the truth from the depths of her existence and set a crack across the mirror of her soul.  The thought settled in her mind while the emotional part of her ran like a scared child, ran to find the comfort of the familiar shadows of ignorance and oblivion, but they were gone for now, not allowing her to lie to herself any longer.  The practical side of Nomad’s personality stepped up to take control at that point in time.  She signaled for emotional Nomad to get a grip and then walked around the new concept a couple times, analyzing it, looking for flaws or incorrectness. 

            Practical Nomad almost came up empty handed, almost had to admit that the man was one hundred percent right.  She almost felt obligated to submit and follow him. However, as she was turning away from the notion she tripped on something.  It was a line of thought, a series of memories. It was the series of decisions she had made up to this point. The most recent ones caught her eye.

            She had decided to ignore the Guiding Power. She decided to follow this strange man down the wrong path.  But she had always felt that guilt, for not going down the other path. Every now and then the paths would run close enough beside each other, or they would intersect and she could get a good look at the other one. She wanted the other path, she liked what she saw there. Her soul thirsted for the rich springs that could be found on the other path. On the path she had selfishly and foolishly chosen her eyes strained in the dark, she fumbled and searched, her knees and hands were scraped from the trips and falls, at times she had crawled along just trying to get her bearings.  Yet the dark path for a while had quenched the loneliness and insecurity. 

            And then Nomad looked at the reality she had been introduced to just a while ago. She was valuable. She was worth the love. Worth the love she could not seem to require from this man. Could not seem to find for herself. Could not seem to accept. She had made a decision to teach herself to accept that love. She was determined to learn how to love herself and understand that her value did not change based on what she did. Her value was a fixed price. The Guiding Power wanted her, and he didn’t not want her to sell herself to Foreigners simply because she didn’t understand the cost he was willing to pay for her.  That understanding, that love, could only be found on the path she had left, the path she would soon never be able to see again. 

            Nomad looked again at Demetrius’s familiar face.  His eyes were set deep and his brow was dominant, making his face look arrogant and egotistical.  His chin was strong, stubborn.  His blue eyes laughed and sparkled, playing games with her mind and heart.  When he smiled, that is when she melted, because the smile promised to give her things, to comfort and protect her, to make her feel loved. But those things that he was promising her were not hers to take, at least not from him, and they were not his to promise.  One day he would understand that he was glad he got to save them for somebody even more right than her. For now he would simply be hurt and angry.  But Nomad needed to be okay with that. Because what Demetrius had said was close enough to the truth to tempt her to make the decision he wanted her to make, however she saw the complete truth that he did not see.  If she was ever going to learn how to accept that others cared for her, she needed to learn to take care of herself. Right now she was taking care of herself.

            “Take care of yourself, Demetrius, best of luck to you.”

            Then, Nomad turned and walked away, stepping of the wrong path into the wild. It would be rough, trying to get back to the path she had strayed from, but the Guiding Power would protect her.  The wilderness may even be his way of disciplining her, so she would understand this had been a lesson.  But, as Nomad listened to Demetrius’s familiar voice calling out behind her, “Wait Nomad, please do not go. I promise, I will show you how nice I can treat you…” she wondered, would taking care of herself always be this painful?

“And straighten the paths of your life, so that your lameness will not become worse but  instead may be healed.”

                        ~ Hebrews 12:13 (ISV)

-Excerpt from "Nomad", 2012's NANOWRIMO challenge.