Close Enough, to the Truth

            “Nomad do not walk away from this. Why will you not stay so we can talk this through?”

            “Because, Demetrius, there is nothing left to talk about. I told you already I want to move on, I want something more. The path you are leading me down is not the path I want to be on.” Not only that, thought Nomad, but it wasn’t the path that the Guiding Power wanted for her. If she didn’t get back on the right path that had been originally chosen for her soon it would be too late, the paths would be too far apart and she would not have the time it would take to get back to the original path left in her life.  Demetrius wouldn’t understand that though, he was a narrow thinker, he felt what he wanted and let that shape his thoughts. He thought he was doing what was best for both of them, but Nomad new better, she could see a different, more insightful, perspective. 

            “Please, just give me a chance to show you how much I really care about you. Let me show you how nice I can be.”

            “No, Demetrius. You had your chance, it should not be that difficult to show how much you care. If you really cared for me it would be instant, and easy, and genuine.”

            “You know what I think Nomad? I think you are just scared. You do not have the ability to trust. You say I do not care, you say nobody cares, but you will not let anyone get close enough to show you how much they care.”

            Nomad felt like taking a step back to absorb the impact of his words. They came as a slap across the face, a blow to the heart. A concept that awakened the truth from the depths of her existence and set a crack across the mirror of her soul.  The thought settled in her mind while the emotional part of her ran like a scared child, ran to find the comfort of the familiar shadows of ignorance and oblivion, but they were gone for now, not allowing her to lie to herself any longer.  The practical side of Nomad’s personality stepped up to take control at that point in time.  She signaled for emotional Nomad to get a grip and then walked around the new concept a couple times, analyzing it, looking for flaws or incorrectness. 

            Practical Nomad almost came up empty handed, almost had to admit that the man was one hundred percent right.  She almost felt obligated to submit and follow him. However, as she was turning away from the notion she tripped on something.  It was a line of thought, a series of memories. It was the series of decisions she had made up to this point. The most recent ones caught her eye.

            She had decided to ignore the Guiding Power. She decided to follow this strange man down the wrong path.  But she had always felt that guilt, for not going down the other path. Every now and then the paths would run close enough beside each other, or they would intersect and she could get a good look at the other one. She wanted the other path, she liked what she saw there. Her soul thirsted for the rich springs that could be found on the other path. On the path she had selfishly and foolishly chosen her eyes strained in the dark, she fumbled and searched, her knees and hands were scraped from the trips and falls, at times she had crawled along just trying to get her bearings.  Yet the dark path for a while had quenched the loneliness and insecurity. 

            And then Nomad looked at the reality she had been introduced to just a while ago. She was valuable. She was worth the love. Worth the love she could not seem to require from this man. Could not seem to find for herself. Could not seem to accept. She had made a decision to teach herself to accept that love. She was determined to learn how to love herself and understand that her value did not change based on what she did. Her value was a fixed price. The Guiding Power wanted her, and he didn’t not want her to sell herself to Foreigners simply because she didn’t understand the cost he was willing to pay for her.  That understanding, that love, could only be found on the path she had left, the path she would soon never be able to see again. 

            Nomad looked again at Demetrius’s familiar face.  His eyes were set deep and his brow was dominant, making his face look arrogant and egotistical.  His chin was strong, stubborn.  His blue eyes laughed and sparkled, playing games with her mind and heart.  When he smiled, that is when she melted, because the smile promised to give her things, to comfort and protect her, to make her feel loved. But those things that he was promising her were not hers to take, at least not from him, and they were not his to promise.  One day he would understand that he was glad he got to save them for somebody even more right than her. For now he would simply be hurt and angry.  But Nomad needed to be okay with that. Because what Demetrius had said was close enough to the truth to tempt her to make the decision he wanted her to make, however she saw the complete truth that he did not see.  If she was ever going to learn how to accept that others cared for her, she needed to learn to take care of herself. Right now she was taking care of herself.

            “Take care of yourself, Demetrius, best of luck to you.”

            Then, Nomad turned and walked away, stepping of the wrong path into the wild. It would be rough, trying to get back to the path she had strayed from, but the Guiding Power would protect her.  The wilderness may even be his way of disciplining her, so she would understand this had been a lesson.  But, as Nomad listened to Demetrius’s familiar voice calling out behind her, “Wait Nomad, please do not go. I promise, I will show you how nice I can treat you…” she wondered, would taking care of herself always be this painful?

“And straighten the paths of your life, so that your lameness will not become worse but  instead may be healed.”

                        ~ Hebrews 12:13 (ISV)

-Excerpt from "Nomad", 2012's NANOWRIMO challenge.